Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
