The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
