There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
