You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
