Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
