someone threw a dead crab at me
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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