the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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