you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
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