There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
