I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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