I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Your topless pictures make me question reality
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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