I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there's paper in my vomit.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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