see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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