I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
