today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
