did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
