well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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