You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
