Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Sober January is a disaster.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
