you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
