I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
