mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
