I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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