u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
