Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
