I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
