dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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