He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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