i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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