You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
