he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
