I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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