my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
