What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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