I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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