Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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