but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
