So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
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