I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize