K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
