Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Brb crying the tears of my youth
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
