I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
you win again, gameday.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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