just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
