I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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