I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
