I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You know, be my cock's hype man.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
