I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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