when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
