Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
