Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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