This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
