I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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