I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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