This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
