I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
