im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
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