Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
