apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize