Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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